Anger (Day three)

Today was going so amazingly. Woke up, stayed in Pj's and just job hunted all day. Who could ask for a better day? Even my niece and nephew were being really good. So you might be asking well why have I added "was". That's all because my younger sister, five years younger to be exact, decided to yet again remind me to call my father. Doesn't seem like such a big deal. But that is until you know about the history with my father. A man who kicked me out of his house two weeks before my high school graduation. A man who would beat the crap out of himself, show me the bruises, and state that he tortured himself so that he wouldn't hit me, or take his anger out on the house. A man who has made me feel that I am never going to be good enough for him, and that nothing I say or do will ever make him proud of me.

My dad was just recently hospitalized for absesses he contained in his colon. In the past year he has had a few seizures as well, and has a prior history of heart problems. Needless to say, his side of our family (my parents have been divorced since I was four), has been incredibly concerned for his health, myself included. We all did not know for certain if he was going to even make it through surgery. (Even more background about our relationship: I hadn't spoken to my father for about a year). However, given the present circumstances and knowing that if something were to happen to him that I would never have forgiven myself if I hadn't told him how I truly felt about him, I called him! Spoke with him before his surgery and had a pleasant conversation for a good 45 minutes. Plus called him again a day or two after his surgery, but due to pain he was severly drugged and could hardly keep his side of the conversation going. Therefore, I told him I loved him and hung up.

But back to the reason why today was an amazing day. My sister decides to tell me again that I need to call him and I have gotten to the point where it is annoying to have my younger sister telling me what to do. Therefore, I told her to chill out and that I would take care of it, that I was waiting for free minutes to kick in and that I wanted to give him a chance to relax for he just got out of the hospital on Wednesday. She said I was making up excuses and that she viewed it as being crap because I wasn't at the hospital with him. (I am 2000 miles away in a completely different state) Needless to say her manner of speaking with me pissed me off something fierce.

Why is it that I'm always the one that is seen as the bad guy? (or girl in my case) Nothing I do ever seems good enough. I came on vacation, did I know that he would get seriously sick? Hell no! Was I sitting at my aunt's house trying to think of quick and easy ways to get back to California, 2000 miles away just to sit with him in the hospital and maybe, just maybe, bash a few nurses' heads in. Of course! I was beating myself up, trying to calm myself down and not hate myself even more that I wasn't there for him. And having my younger brat throw that back in my face was the last straw. When I already feel horrible about a situation. The last thing that I want is someone else to remind me of what a horrible daughter I am.