Church (Day five)

Had church this morning for the first time in almost two years. Needless to say it was interesting. I'm open-minded to different things, but I will try another church service that is designed for college age kids. But all in all it's been a pretty good day. We went to check out my niece's teacher for her preschool classes and she seemed to already have a blast. Everyone knows her by name and she is just the cutest kid. She is so polite and everyone loves her.

Got a text message from my sister Stacey today. She asked if I was happy. And actually I really am. I thought leaving everything was going to be really really hard. And although I miss some people like crazy, I guess I am just so preoccupied with everything going on here and looking for a job that I haven't had a chance for everything to hit me. But I guess because I have always really wanted to be on my own and make my own dreams come true that its different then what I had expected it to be.

Anyways, nothing really eventful happened today so I really don't have much to write about. But I need to get in the habit of writing again. It's been so long!

The hunt continues (Day four)

Been looking for a job already! Been here for four days and yesterday I compiled a list and started applying for places. My original list of 68 (which isn't even all of the possibilities) is slowly being shortened. Some places aren't hiring at the moment, but I won't let this get me down. I will find a job! I can feel it.

So Lil' man's first birthday party was today. I feel bad that certain things happened, which made it a party of just family (which is still okay), but still sucks and I know it might have bothered my sister- in- law just a tad. But hey we still had an amazing time and the place looked great with all the decorations she had for him. She truly is an amazing mom. I wish my mom did half the stuff she is/has been doing for her kids. I've never had a birthday party in my 19 years of living, (granted my birthday is a national holiday and all) but still a little get together here or there would have been great...with decorations and just something that said "Hey, it's your birthday and we wanna celebrate you" But I can't really complan because I couldn't truly ask for anything more then just having my family surrounding me.

Anyways, my first service at church is tomorrow morning and I am really looking forward to it. It's been a long time since I was in church and it will be a great place to meet new people, which is something I really want to do. I wanna have a life. One outside of sitting in front of this damn computer screen talking to random people and writting random crap. Don't get me wrong I love writting my random crap down, but I wanna go to the mall and go to movies and just chill out....be social for once in my freaking life. For once in my life I wanna have a life. If that makes any sense at all....which to me it does so HA, I win! =D But I think I might call it an early night tonight. We shall see what happens within the next couple days, but I'm hoping that whatever happens is great!

Anger (Day three)

Today was going so amazingly. Woke up, stayed in Pj's and just job hunted all day. Who could ask for a better day? Even my niece and nephew were being really good. So you might be asking well why have I added "was". That's all because my younger sister, five years younger to be exact, decided to yet again remind me to call my father. Doesn't seem like such a big deal. But that is until you know about the history with my father. A man who kicked me out of his house two weeks before my high school graduation. A man who would beat the crap out of himself, show me the bruises, and state that he tortured himself so that he wouldn't hit me, or take his anger out on the house. A man who has made me feel that I am never going to be good enough for him, and that nothing I say or do will ever make him proud of me.

My dad was just recently hospitalized for absesses he contained in his colon. In the past year he has had a few seizures as well, and has a prior history of heart problems. Needless to say, his side of our family (my parents have been divorced since I was four), has been incredibly concerned for his health, myself included. We all did not know for certain if he was going to even make it through surgery. (Even more background about our relationship: I hadn't spoken to my father for about a year). However, given the present circumstances and knowing that if something were to happen to him that I would never have forgiven myself if I hadn't told him how I truly felt about him, I called him! Spoke with him before his surgery and had a pleasant conversation for a good 45 minutes. Plus called him again a day or two after his surgery, but due to pain he was severly drugged and could hardly keep his side of the conversation going. Therefore, I told him I loved him and hung up.

But back to the reason why today was an amazing day. My sister decides to tell me again that I need to call him and I have gotten to the point where it is annoying to have my younger sister telling me what to do. Therefore, I told her to chill out and that I would take care of it, that I was waiting for free minutes to kick in and that I wanted to give him a chance to relax for he just got out of the hospital on Wednesday. She said I was making up excuses and that she viewed it as being crap because I wasn't at the hospital with him. (I am 2000 miles away in a completely different state) Needless to say her manner of speaking with me pissed me off something fierce.

Why is it that I'm always the one that is seen as the bad guy? (or girl in my case) Nothing I do ever seems good enough. I came on vacation, did I know that he would get seriously sick? Hell no! Was I sitting at my aunt's house trying to think of quick and easy ways to get back to California, 2000 miles away just to sit with him in the hospital and maybe, just maybe, bash a few nurses' heads in. Of course! I was beating myself up, trying to calm myself down and not hate myself even more that I wasn't there for him. And having my younger brat throw that back in my face was the last straw. When I already feel horrible about a situation. The last thing that I want is someone else to remind me of what a horrible daughter I am.

A new start...(Day two)

Its day two of my new book for my life. Everyone always says they close one chapter and start another, but I've done that so many times before, that this is no longer just closing a chapter; I'm closing a whole book. Just moved to a new state and am officially on my own, well for the most part at least, I'm staying with my brother and his family until I can get my own place. If it wasn't for them, I doubt I would have ever been able to leave the hells of California. I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunity they both have given me. There are so many things that I need to get done. However, my top priority is to get a job. I started cruising around on Craigslist today to just get an idea of what's out there. Hopefully it won't be long until I find something. Anything at this point would be an incredible help. I look forward to the things that are to come.

Today, though, we went to my niece, Brooke's cheer leading class. She is so amazing! She is learning so many things and is only 3 1/2 years old. I can only imagine what she will be able to accomplish if she sticks with it.

Lil' man, Bradley, is growing up fast. Just had his first birthday and is standing on his own. It's amazing to watch kids grow right before your eyes. His birthday party is on Saturday and I'm looking forward to just spending time with family and hopefully making a few new friends.

First trip back to church will be this weekend, too. Looking forward to it actually! It's been a long time since I have been in church. I think it will be a good thing, too. Hopefully will meet some incredible people, people that will keep me going while I'm so far from home. I am in dire need of a good support system, and having my brother and his wife here is only the beginning to that system.

I truly have to focus and just get through things one step at a time.

One step at a time!